Thought an update was necessary.
Don't really know what to say, though.
Words fail me.
So, lets use someone else's!

Me: Why is Katie crying?
Lou: Cody hit her in the head with a golf club.
Me: …and his mother got him a BB gun because why?

Dad: Vegetarians are nuts.
Katie: Hey! *offended* Riley’s a vegetarian!
Me: Riley’s nuts.

Mom: What are you going to do with artichokes?
Dad: We’ll figure that out later! I just want the challenge of growing them!

Me: Katie? Why are you crying?
Katie: Cody hit me in the head with a stick.
Me: Why did he hit you in the head with a stick?
Katie: Because he didn’t have a golf club.

*cell phone rings, Dad picks it up*
Dad: *pauses* No, he’s dead! I have his phone now! *hangs up*
Me: …who was that?
Dad: Wrong number.
Me: I can’t believe you just did that.
Dad: No, it’s the same person over and over! They insist that they’re calling someone else!
Me: Oh. *pause* I still can’t believe you just did that.

Dan: BOO! *arms jump and he spills blue juice all over his shirt*

Helen: But I like being a fire hazard!

Helen: I’m an alien.
Kid: No you’re not!
Helen: I am; they revoked my human license.
Kid: O_O

Emily: Lio, I’m secretly dying inside.
Me: I know, I did it to you.
Emily: Wait, what?
Me: Why did you think I didn’t eat the cake after dinner?
Emily: But—that means your dad's dying too!
Me: No, he’s built up an immunity.
Emily: What? Why?
Me: Because I accidentally kept giving him too small of doses.
Emily: ‘Accidentally?’
Me: He kept lying about his weight!

Jon: Quizzes should be grape flavored.

Emily: Life's a big, black, bitter berry of DOOM!

Me: I think it's cute that you think you're still sane.